Your autistic high school student has crossed a major milestone – high school graduation!
Now as you prepare to turn the page to summer, you may be feeling a little different than summers past. Typically, this was a time to recharge and relax with camp, relaxed schedules and family vacations.
But this summer you are preparing to send a child off to college.
Your to-do list is a mile long and your stress level rises every time you glance at it. You have to gather documentation for the college disability services office! The final high school transcript must be uploaded! You have to submit an up-to-date vaccine report! The housing contract needs to be signed! Fall classes have to be selected! You have to find extra-long twin sheets! And what in the world are bed risers???
Before you dive into this endless to do list, let’s take a step back. This summer can be an incredible opportunity for your student to grow their independence and resilience before move-in day.
Your student did the hard work of applying to college and making a decision on where to attend.
Now it’s time for your student to prepare to attend that university. And in a perfect word, that would be a simple process. But with various services, departments and groups all operating on their own timeline, it can be complex.
Here’s a preview of what your student will need to prepare this summer:
1. Registration: Your student will need to register for their fall courses. Many times this happens during a ‘registration and orientation’ event on campus with guidance from a counselor. Your student will need to balance general education requirements with their major interest to create a manageable and balanced courseload. Don’t forget, adjusting to life on campus is like another class so it’s wise not to overload an incoming freshman with too many heavy courses.
This is also an opportunity to practice self-awareness. If your student knows that 8:00am Friday classes are going to be a struggle, it might be best not to sign up for that class. Students will have some choice over their schedule and using their own knowledge of their preferences can help the semester go more smoothly.
2. Housing: Your student will need to fill out housing preference forms and roommate requests. Many students connect with fellow incoming freshmen on social media to make these requests. Or maybe your student would prefer a single room? You can discuss the pros and cons of having their own personal space during this life transiton.
3. Disability Services: Your student will need to complete paperwork with the Office of Disability Services. They may need to share neuropsych reports or medical records. This can take a lot of phone calls to various offices to get the right forms to the right people with multiple follow up calls.
4. College Onboarding: Your student will need to establish an account on the college’s student portal. They will begin receiving emails about online training modules and forms they’ll need to complete. Typically, important documents like the housing contract will not be available until previous tasks are completed in the portal.
5. Packing: Students will need to organize their belongings, coordinate with a roommate and decide what they need to bring with them on campus. College packing lists can get very intense – it’s best to ‘shop your house’ to see what you really need to buy new.
Now take a look at these tasks. Do you notice anything interesting?
Almost all of the items on your list can and should be accomplished by your college-bound child – NOT by you.
Wait. What? Yes, you heard me. Your college-bound child should be tasked with almost all of the pre-college chores. This can be a hard sell for many parents, but it is a vitally important part of the college transition. It is an opportunity for your child to develop independence and self-advocacy skills. Accomplishing these time-sensitive pre-college tasks can also serve as an important test of executive function skills.
Watching your student cross the stage at graduation can be a monumental moment for the entire family.
You’ve nutured this child since they were a baby and now they are about to move into their own space on a college campus.
It’s natural to feel all kinds of emotions at this phase. I encourage parents in my coaching practice to use this milestone as a touchstone for their changing role.
While your student was young, you got to call the shots. You bought the food, set the schedule and created the bedtime routine.
Now, it’s time for your student to manage their own lives and make decisions based on their priorities, not yours.
In my College 101 course, we call this ‘shifting the parental role from manager to advisor.’
Managers set specific goals and outlines expectations for how student can achieve them. Parents in this mindset:
- Call to arrange all medical appointments for student
- Communicate with teachers on student’s behalf regarding accommodations and assignments
- Wake student up and helps them get out the door to school in the morning
Advisors share ideas and perspectives with student – it is up to student to decide on the next steps and make a plan. Advisor-style parents:
- Supports the student as they drive themselves to various medical appointments and school events
- Allows the student to directly communicates with teachers to ask questions about assignment
- Steps back as the student completes applications for volunteer opportunities or extracurricular activities
This is a big shift but an incredibly important one. Allowing your student to manage their own life is a key skill to thrive in college life.
Wondering how this looks in real life? Schedule a parent consultation here for custom support on shifting to advisor parenting.
The time-sensitive nature of these tasks is what make them so difficult for parents to relinquish control. You, the parent, understand the consequences to your child if the tasks are not completed on time. My advice to you is this: hold a planning meeting with your child in late May or early June. Here’s an agenda for that meeting:
- Map everything out. Review the detailed tasks and timelines.
- Identify the tasks for which your child is responsible. Together, come up with a plan and tentative schedule.
- Agree on the role you will play in supporting your child. For example, you may assure your child that while they are responsible for communicating with Disability Service or their pediatrician, you can listen on the calls or help them outline the questions they need to ask.
- Establish a plan for your child to keep you updated on their progress. Determine ground rules for inquiries you might make to check in.
Unsure if your child is up to the task? For some students, working with a coach is a great bridge to building their confidence and independence. When an adult, other than their parent, is involved, it can help them to stay on task and realize that they are capable of completing these tasks. Learn more about 1:1 coaching here.
With proper planning, the summer before college can be just as calm as previous summers even as your college-bound child begins the journey to adulthood. And you might even get an afternoon at the pool while they shop for those infamous bed risers.