Graduating high school is a proud moment for any family. But while some parents confidently send their teen off to college, others lie awake wondering if their child is ready for the academic, social and independent living demands.
For neurotypical students, the leap to college can be bumpy, but manageable. For neurodivergent students–those with ADHD, learning differences, autism or mental health challenges–the adjustment often requires much more intentional support.
Let’s explore two students’ adjustment curves. To prepare for this article, I interviewed several sets of parents of neurodivergent college students who experienced mental health crises in their freshman year, and a couple of parents of neurotypical college students who shared their child’s adjustment story. The students described below are composite characters based on my interviews.
Lily’s transition to college wasn’t perfect. She had moments of loneliness and uncertainty, but she had already mastered essential skills like doing laundry, cooking simple meals and asking for help when she needed it. Over time, she found her people, joined activities and excelled academically.
Let’s explore a few highlights from Lily’s experience:
- Academics: Lily was a straight A high school student who worked hard, but sometimes struggled with situational anxiety over an exam. When that happened, she’d ask her parents to study with her by testing her knowledge. She once got a C on a chemistry test but she made sure to visit the teacher for office hours and then she bounced back.
- Independence and Risk-Taking: In the summers, Lily loved to attend sleepaway camp. She rode her bike around the city, navigated public transportation independently and learned to drive at 16. She had a good group of friends, a couple of boyfriends and once had a bad experience with marijuana, but immediately confessed to her parents.
- Physical Health: She navigated some physical challenges in terms of migraine headaches and as a result learned to pay attention to her body’s need for rest and to take her daily medication independently.
- College Application Process: Lily applied to top schools, managing the application process herself. She requested her parents’ help on curating her college list and organizing visits, but she wrote her essays independently and did not need many reminders to stay on top of deadlines.
- First Year Experience: At her prestigious university, she handled all her academics beautifully from the beginning but she was calling home crying a lot. She was “not happy” and hadn’t found the “right friends.” Sometimes she wasn’t sure where to sit for lunch. She did not want a therapist. Her parents told her “it takes time.” And they were right, because each month she complained less and started to mention activities she was enjoying: she joined a singing club, went on school-sponsored hiking trips and applied for and was chosen to be a lab assistant for the following year. She ends her freshman year feeling like she has found some of her people and is excited for a summer internship.
Thomas entered college with above-average intelligence but underdeveloped executive function, social skills, independent daily living skills, and self-advocacy. Without embedded support, he quickly became overwhelmed, stopped attending classes and withdrew from campus life entirely.
Thomas was a highly sensitive child who in middle school started to struggle with keeping up with his schoolwork. He received an ADHD diagnosis at 11 and switched to a smaller, private high school with more hands-on learning. Additional testing led to an autism diagnosis during the college application process.
Let’s talk about a few highlights from Thomas’ experience:
- Academics: When faced with intimidating essays or projects, Thomas went into freeze mode and hid from teachers, not accepting help. They tried ADHD medications, but Thomas did not like the side effects. At home, his mom tried to help with the executive function component by looking in his student portal to find deadlines, instructions and resources, but Thomas would get angry at her for interfering. Thomas’ parents hired an executive function coach to help him do his assignments multiple times a week, and that is how he stayed afloat.
- Independence and Risk-Taking: Thomas struggled to find a peer group that felt like a good fit. He occasionally talked with online friends while they played video games, but he didn’t see peers in real life. He resisted household chores, and isolated in his room. Mom played a big role in getting him out of bed in the mornings, but on many mornings she could not succeed and he fell into intermittent school refusal.
- Physical health: As a result of the school refusal, Thomas’s psychiatrist diagnosed him with anxiety. He started medication for the anxiety, which he needed reminders to take. Unfortunately it disrupted his sleep, which didn’t help with waking up, and made him feel even more tired and overwhelmed.
- College Application Process: Thomas worked closely with the executive function coach on every aspect of the application process. He only worked on his application during their sessions. Thomas was accepted at a small school that offered the standard support of peer tutoring and professors who were accessible at office hours.
- First Year Experience: At the beginning of the semester, Thomas regularly texted with his parents and they could usually catch him on the phone about once a week. He sounded ok. Thomas initially attended class regularly, but as soon as the first big essay was assigned, Thomas froze again, like in high school. Instead of going for peer tutoring or to office hours, he stopped going to that class, afraid of what the professor would think of his not having turned in the assignment, and then within a few weeks he stopped going to all classes. Eventually, he stopped leaving his room. No one alerted the parents to his dire situation. Thomas stopped responding to his parents’ texts and calls – his Dad noticed the excessive food delivery purchases on the credit card. Once they were able to discover Thomas’s struggles, it was too late to put in the right level of support. Thomas’ parents drove to pick him up, and he returned home, defeated, and facing the need for intensive therapeutic intervention.
- Self-advocacy: Lily spoke up when she needed help; Thomas avoided it.
- Resilience: Lily rebounded from setbacks; Thomas froze under pressure.
- Independent living skills: Lily was self-sufficient; Thomas relied heavily on parents.
Lily’s neurotypical profile enabled her to ultimately navigate a rocky start, but Thomas’ neurodivergence required a much more supportive plan.
How Thomas’ Path Could Have Been Set up for Success
If I had met Thomas in 10th or 11th grade, I would have seen that he was on a path to not being ready for college. We would have made a plan to shore up the executive function skills, emotional regulation, and independent living skills. We would have worked individually on chunking assignments into digestible bites, the key being that a good executive function coach puts themselves out of business: Thomas needed to learn a system he could go on to use independently. I would have asked Mom to stay out of the school portal, even if that meant failure. Better to fail in high school than in college. Learning to come back from failure is crucial.
I would have recommended that we get him some counseling support to help with his anxiety around assignments, which led to school refusal. If he were still struggling with school refusal in senior year, and hadn’t made enough progress towards emotional regulation and independent living skills, I would have advised that if Thomas applied to college, it needed to be a school with an embedded support program for neurodivergent students. It’s likely that I would have advised Thomas to defer and spend a year in a neurodivergent-affirming therapeutic life skills program that helps young adults build confidence and capabilities. We would have wanted to ensure that if Thomas were applying to schools, he be the one driving the application process. Internal motivation is key.
There are a wide variety of neurodivergent-affirming and informed programs to support neurodivergent teens who may not be ready for traditional college. Some of these programs include:
- Therapeutic wilderness adventure programs
- Residential Transitional Living Skills Programs
- Local Neurodivergent-affirming vocational training programs to build skills and confidence
- Year-long Bridge Programs at Colleges that ease you into the college transition
- Private Dorms that offer wraparound support services to neurodivergent college students
- Colleges with Embedded Support Programs for neurodivergent students
Why Early Detection of Struggle Matters
If you recognize parts of Thomas’ high school or college story, it’s important to be proactive. A high school student who isn’t managing their own work, and who chronically struggles with attendance is not ready for college. The consequences of sending a child who is obviously not ready for college into an unsupported college environment could be serious: mental health crisis, failure, and then a long road to recovery, perhaps with the student never returning to college.
In college, you won’t know if your child is keeping up with work or not, or attending class, but being aware of a sudden drop or increase in communication with you, or signs of isolation, can be an indicator of struggle.
If you see these signs, it’s time to act, whether that means connecting your student to campus resources, arranging academic coaching, or reevaluating the current plan.
My goal is to help parents set up their child for success after high school by finding the post-secondary program with the right level of support so students are set up for success.
The question parents need to ask themselves is: Am I seeing the child in front of me with clear eyes? Does my child possess the majority of the skills required for college? If not, isn’t it better to offer more support now than wait until there’s been a crash and burn that is difficult to recover from?
Recognizing When a Neurodivergent Student Needs Support
Q: What academic warning signs should I look for?
A: In high school, missing assignments, chronic absenteeism, lack of independence with morning routine, difficulty managing tech, and a lack of self awareness and self advocacy are signs that the student is not ready for college. In College, one bad grade can initiate a cascade of maladaptive behaviors that results in failing out. Parents won’t necessarily know about that precipitating incident, but if they are attuned to their child’s patterns and notice a striking shift in communication patterns, physical appearance, or spending habits, those are red flags that your college student is struggling.
Q: How often should I check in with my college student?
A: Weekly phone or video calls are a good balance, as they allow you to notice changes without micromanaging.
Q: What’s the difference between typical adjustment stress and a risk of a ‘crash and burn’?
A: Typical adjustment stress improves over time, and you’ll see your student start to problem-solve on their own; for a student heading down the path of a ‘crash and burn,’ the stress persists or worsens after the first few months.