We are hearing a lot of talk about loneliness these days.
The Surgeon General’s 2023 report (Our Epidemic of Loneliness and Isolation) opened the conversation about the current state of loneliness.
What shocked me the most was this simple stat. From 2003 to 2020, average social engagement with friends declined by 20 hours per month.
That means we are spending 240 hours less with friends each year!
But what about autistic adults? How do they factor into this conversation?
New research shared in The Conversation helps shed light onto autistic individuals experience of loneliness.
- “Autistic adults reported experiencing not only greater levels of loneliness but also more intense distress associated with it.” Autistic adults crave meaningful connection. Lacking this connection has real, lasting effects on autistic adults.
- “Many autistic participants also described feeling overwhelmed in high-intensity social situations, such as being in large groups, around unfamiliar people, or in busy office environments.” This makes sense – most of the places where we meet peers are public spaces with loud music, bright lights and lots of people. This environment may be too high stress for some autistic adults to focus on building friendships.
So how can we support the autistic loved ones in our lives build real connection and fight loneliness?
Spend time in community centers and natural spaces
Loneliness is experienced individually, but it can be fought collectively. This article shared interesting data – “more universally, living in areas with good access to community centers and natural spaces helps people make social connections. These spaces allow for both planned and unexpected social interactions.”
No matter where you live, we can seek out community spaces and natural parks. Spending time in places like libraries, parks, walking trails, outdoor fitness centers and even live/work/play developments can be a good starting point to foster those conversations.
If public spaces present sensory challenges, focus on libraries, museums and other quiet places.
Frienships take time.
More than you might expect.
Research by Associate Professor of Communication Studies Jeffrey Hall at the University of Kansas puts hours to each level of frienship:
“Combining the results of both studies, he estimated it takes between 40 and 60 hours to form a casual friendship, 80-100 hours to transition to being a friend and more than 200 hours together to become good friends.”
Asking someone to spend 200 bours together is a big ask. Instead, start small.
If you or someone you love is overwhelmed by the idea of making friends, start by participating in a activity you enjoy (perhaps with a family member along for support) that doesn’t require a ton of social interaction. For example, a Magic The Gathering tournament or release party.
Our Friendship Handbook breaks down friendship-building into 4 parts.
Friendship: A Handbook, Part 1 talks about how to find friends with common interests in real life. Online connections can be beneficial but they do not replace a real, in person friendship.
Friendship: A Handbook, Part 2 explores how to trade information to turn acquaintances into genuine friends include sample questions to get started.
Friendship: A Handbook, Part 3 shares ways to build a friendship with a personal invitation and analyze the response to see if the other person is interested in growing the friendship.
Friendship: A Handbook, Part 4 discusses how to create a long lasting and authentic friendship based on shared experiences, empathy and hard work.
We hope this series helps you and your loved ones with autism navigate the waters of friendship. There will be some challenges as we put ourselves out there socially, but the reward of a true friend is worth it.
For some autistic adults, it’s about finding the right balance.
Fighting loneliness requires intentional time among people.
But that can also be draining and exhausting.
The key is to find the balance with rich social interaction and then quality alone time to recover. Here’s a few tips for each environment.
Social interaction:
- Select an environment that is low stress: Meet in a quiet coffee shop instead of a loud restaurant.
- Add movement: Try taking a walk together. Moving in the same direction can make connection easier than staring at each other across a table.
- Set time limits: Set a start and end time so you both have clear expectations on how long you will be together.
Intentional alone time
- Make it low tech: Don’t doomscroll. Looking at a screen doesn’t help you actually rest and recover.
- Do something with your hands: Paint. Play an instrument. Fold clothes. Create something with your own two hands.
- Create a positive environment: Listen to a favorite song. Get outside in nature. Create an environment that helps you recharge so you are ready to spend time in community again soon.
Remember to advocate for yourself when you are with others. If you need to take a break or go home early that’s OK! Knowing how and when to recharge may help you feel better about accepting invitations for social events. The more you are able to put yourself out there, the easier it will be to make connections.